I believe it is humanly impossible to describe the sense of joy and gratitude we feel as we prepare to meet Samuel in person. It is frantic around our household these days - packing, re-packing, and checking off the many tasks we must accomplish before boarding the plane. Meanwhile we've received word that Samuel is having a difficult time with this transition. While we expected this news, and perhaps even prepared ourselves for this news, it saddens the spirit to think of a lonely little boy wondering how his new life is going to unfold.
My sister-in-law said it best, "I can't imagine having to let go of my child; we would all starve to death before I could let them go." Although I have not yet met Samuel, I can attest to this kind of love - the kind that makes you want to hold on for dear life because you can't imagine losing something which has become the biggest part of you. But, as one who is about to receive such a precious gift, I am in awe of the kind of love Samuel's mother has for her child - she did what I cannot fathom doing; she did what was best for her child rather than her own heart. How unselfish is she; how undeserving I feel in moments like these.
I must admit that there are times the insecure and unprepared part of me feel nervous about this new relationship. "Will he cling to me? How long will it take him to love and accept me as his mother? Am I really doing what is best for him because I feel such grief for her?"
I realize these thoughts are silly, but they are human and they represent what we in adoption world rarely speak of - fear... Fear that your child won't be able to love you because he/she has already given their heart away or that you'll never be able to measure up to the kind of love he/she received in their early years. Yes, it is perhaps naive and childish thinking, but it is representative of where we are in this process.
Four more days... I have never been so anxious in all my life to board an airplane! 17 hours, baggage claim, visa, unpack and sleep - then wake up to meet SAMUEL... Ah, I like the sound of that! Hurry up already...
"You will, in adopting this child, make the child your own. Your life will swerve to meet the child's - growing in tandem together." M.F. Greene
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Preparing for Departure and Arrival
Posted by renee treat at 5:02 PM
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6 comments:
Don't forget your passports!!! :-)
Ah...it's a big mix isn't it?? I will keep you in our prayers, still. YOu know, one of our daughters was placed in my arms by her birthmom, w/ birthgrandmom standing by. It was one of the hardest and yet most profound moments of my life. I told her, sobbing, "I can't do this" meaning, take her from you. And she has the poise and presence to say "I want you to." which made us both cry harder. OH. Hard hard stuff. And yet, so amazing. The best most important things are rarely the easy ones. Samuel is meant to be yours, and hers. And time and grace will make weave it together.
Can't wait to follow your trip, blogwise!! It's gonna be good. It is. God bless you.
Hey there ... great post ...thanks for sharing ... and because you're feeling all these things and understand what a loss this will be .... this WILL make you the mom that Samuel needs. With time, my friend ..... it's gonna all come together. It's gonna be a big week for you guys ... all three of you. We'll be just three doors down ... on this journey with you, my friend!!! Oh!, and I'm ready for my tutor lesson in Amharic on the flight ... 'kay? :) Happy packing!! ~Shelly
I think of you every day and the exciting, life changing event that is just days away. I have no doubt in my mind that Samuel will love you and cling to you right away. Have a safe and wonderful trip and know that we'll be praying for you and are here if you need anything!
Blessings,
Debbie
Renee - adoption is such a weave of emotions and love and I've come to understand that our children can and do love two moms. I say the more people we have to love, the better :-) We do what we can for the two most wonderful women in my children's lives - letters and photos and the promise that we will do everything we can to give these kids the lives I know their birthmoms want for them. Godspeed on your journey and I look forward to meeting Samuel!
Carol
Your thoughts are far from silly... they are the thoughts of a woman sensitive enough to think about all the angles and complexities of adoption. These thoughts will only come to serve your sweet son as he grows up- both with joy and with grief from a life left behind. But joy will take hold and you will be the vessel for this new love to take Samuel in. I'm so, so happy for you as you embark on this intense, beautiful journey.
love
becca
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