I should be happy. I should be smiling ear to ear feeling immense gratitude for the news of our court date, but I must admit, I'm feeling a bit gloomy. We did indeed receive a court date, but unfortunately it is scheduled for March 26th. Let's see...today is February 28th - that's nearly a month away! Not to mention we won't be traveling until late April or early May. I really wanted to get Samuel acclimated to kindergarten this year, but alas, he may only get to endure 3 weeks of it before the summer arrives.
This entire process has been a test in the patience department for me and to be honest, I'm really not enjoying it! By my calculations, our process will take approximately 10 months start to finish - and by pregnancy terms, "it's time to deliver!" My dad politely reminded me that while the wait has been long, I have not had morning sickness, physical pain or the appearance of stretch marks. And while I have to agree that I have not had to endure such symptoms, I would argue that the mental anguish of international adoption has been just as draining.
So, I'm just going to sit here for a while and have myself a little pitty party... I'm sitting and I'm having my party... feel free to join me.
While I say all of this in jest, it is becoming more and more difficult knowing that Samuel is out there, ready for us, and we can't get to him just yet.
I know that 3 months from now, I'll look back and this will all seem so minute, but for now I continue to wait with a sense of urgency, anxious to get to know Samuel and share him with my family. But first, I'm going to hoard him for myself! Come on March 26th! I'm ready to plan a trip to meet Samuel!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
1 day shy of 8 weeks and finally the telephone rings...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Maybe I've gone deaf and I didn't hear the phone ring...
Maybe we really do have a court date, and because of some freak accident I've gone deaf and I just didn't hear the phone ring. Maybe Mary called us but I had a small dose of amnesia and now I don't remember it. Maybe this is all a dream and I'll suddenly wake up to realize that we're actually set to travel tomorrow to pick up Samuel. Maybe I'll start packing tonight in hopes that it will somehow align the universe and speed up the process....
Maybe I'll go to one of those bizarre witch shops where they sell potions and drink a "speedy court date" drink and this will all be over soon. Maybe I'll use positive self-talk and trick myself into thinking it really hasn't been 7 weeks of waiting; it's only been 1. Maybe I'll just call Samuel on the telephone and tell him to start walking this direction and we'll meet him half-way.
Or... maybe I'll win the lottery and I can just buy Ethiopia and set my own court date. Maybe I'll just move there and sneak Samuel into my house while no one is watching. Maybe I'll contact that woman from Bewitched...what's her name again? Samantha? Yeah, that's right. I'll call her up and ask her to wiggle her nose and bring Samuel to me.
Maybe I'll just sit down on the couch and surround myself with every bad carb known to man. I can see it now: potato chips (salt and vinegar to be exact), brownies, queso, candy bars, donuts and of course a cup of Starbucks. Maybe I'll eat so much I won't be able to move and I'll just go into a deep hibernation like the bears. That's it.... I'll sleep this off - like a migrane.
Or maybe I'll just call my caseworker while the phone is on mute and scream as loudly as I can - dropping some bad words that will make me feel powerful and assertive. Or maybe I'll just go to the woods and run around like a crazy woman until I break a sweat. Wait...Hold on a minute... Retract that last line. I'm not really into sweating or running in the woods for that matter.
Ok, so maybe I won't do any of these things - but it was a fun train of thought while it lasted...
Here's to week 7 waiting on a court date.... It was just as miserable as the last!
Maybe I'll go to one of those bizarre witch shops where they sell potions and drink a "speedy court date" drink and this will all be over soon. Maybe I'll use positive self-talk and trick myself into thinking it really hasn't been 7 weeks of waiting; it's only been 1. Maybe I'll just call Samuel on the telephone and tell him to start walking this direction and we'll meet him half-way.
Or... maybe I'll win the lottery and I can just buy Ethiopia and set my own court date. Maybe I'll just move there and sneak Samuel into my house while no one is watching. Maybe I'll contact that woman from Bewitched...what's her name again? Samantha? Yeah, that's right. I'll call her up and ask her to wiggle her nose and bring Samuel to me.
Maybe I'll just sit down on the couch and surround myself with every bad carb known to man. I can see it now: potato chips (salt and vinegar to be exact), brownies, queso, candy bars, donuts and of course a cup of Starbucks. Maybe I'll eat so much I won't be able to move and I'll just go into a deep hibernation like the bears. That's it.... I'll sleep this off - like a migrane.
Or maybe I'll just call my caseworker while the phone is on mute and scream as loudly as I can - dropping some bad words that will make me feel powerful and assertive. Or maybe I'll just go to the woods and run around like a crazy woman until I break a sweat. Wait...Hold on a minute... Retract that last line. I'm not really into sweating or running in the woods for that matter.
Ok, so maybe I won't do any of these things - but it was a fun train of thought while it lasted...
Here's to week 7 waiting on a court date.... It was just as miserable as the last!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Feeling a little grouchy and a little green...
For Lent, I decided to keep a gratitude journal. I firmly believe, "that which we focus on expands." It is easy, working for a public school system, to find yourself surrounded with lateral thinking and negativity; I decided a gratitude journal would help me keep perspective during what is the most hectic time of year in education.
Most of entries center around words exchanged during the day, simple gestures of friends and the everyday occurances I for which I forget to feel grateful. But, I have to say, today I don't feel much like recording anything. I'm feeling a little grouchy and a little green.
I don't know Samuel. I don't know his temperament, I don't know his favorite color or his sense of humor, but I'm here, miles away clinging to a picture trying to reassure myself that soon we will be inseparable.
I think the hardest part of adoption is the "not knowing" anything. I wonder what is taking so long. I wonder what Samuel is thinking - does he remember the letter that was read to him? I wonder where our file is in Ethiopia - is anyone looking at it? Does anyone care? When will we travel and how will Samuel respond to us? I keep wondering all these kinds of thoughts, but alas, no answers can be found.
Indeed I know that this will become but a distant memory, but for today, I suppose I must honor it for what it is - anxiety, frustration and of course sadness. Sadness because there's a little boy who is "ready" but not yet "ready for us". I wonder if he realizes that he has already become the center of our universe?
We are approaching six weeks of waiting for a court date. I know the name of the game is "waiting" but it is getting more and more difficult with each passing day. I'm trying to contain the cynical voice that is pointing out the obvious chain of events - it's taking six+ weeks to get a court date, then a court date will be scheduled 3-4 weeks later, then we travel 2-3 weeks after that. I'm no mathematician but it looks like the waiting has merely begun.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Up to the Mountain while Waiting for Samuel
A sermon got me thinking... Our pastor used a video clip that I've yet to forget:
In 1994 a movie was released titled, "The Air up There". Jimmy Dolan is a college basketball assistant-coach who wants to find a new star for his team since he believes this will get him a promotion to Head Coach at the school. He sees a home video of a prospect and travels to Africa to recruit him. Upon arriving to this continent, Dolan finds himself confronted not only with the challenges of basketball but also with the challenges of adjusting to and learning how to live in the midst of a brand-new culture. Perhaps the most inspring scene is when Jimmy is sent on a journey to climb to the top of a mountain and he is told he must leave something of significance behind. So he does, he pitches his championship ring in the air - sending it sailing off into the abyss.
Today begins a season of Lent and with such a season we are called to "rid" ourselves of some luxury, excess or personal desire. I think about this movie moment and wonder what it is I am clinging to and what it is I need to delete from my daily living in order to be more concientious and alert to what it means to have authentic gratitude.
I wonder if I've truly even experienced real, sincere gratitude. How could I? I'm surrounded by excess and commercialism that tells me to "live comfortably." At Christmas, I receive so many presents that the next day, I can't even tell you what I received. I throw away things that I no longer need and waste far more than should be acceptable. Have I? Have I ever experienced real gratitude?
I find myself growing impatient with this waiting period. I find myself in a mindset of "I deserve to hear something this week; afterall, I've waited so long." The truth is that I don't deserve anything, and nothing I can do, say or prove makes me any more worthy of Samuel. However, this feeling, this yearning may well be the first time I've ever experienced anything close to authentic gratitude.
There's a quote that has become my mantra "Nothing good can come into your life without a true sense of gratitude." This quote, this simple statement, petitions me to live more simply, to let go of excess, to rid myself of as much greed as possible - and instead to focus on those things for which I am truly grateful.
40 days... that's how long I have to find ways to personally fast and abstain from those habits which bind me to living from the outside in. For many, Lent symbolizes a time of quiet reverence in order to "hear" and "accept" a new perspective.
I ask myself, "What is it I would pitch over the side of the mountain?" I ask myself if I could truly bare to live without those things which I've deemed so 'essential' to my daily life? And I think about Samuel, what he goes without, the things he doesn't even know he should desire, and a part of me feels so humbled.
Recently we received updated photos of Samuel - in clothes much too large for his frame, tattered, worn. I found myself saddened for him, feeling sorry for him and his lack of 'adequate' (whatever that word means) clothing. But I realize, the person I should be feeling sorry for is myself - because these things are so important to me, because I am so consumed with personal appearance and doing what it takes to get ahead. It got me wondering just what our world would be like if we didn't know any better... if we just simply lived with what we could find, with what we could borrow and most of all, what we could share.
To be honest, I don't know what it is I will give up for this season of Lent. Perhaps instead I will "take on" a new attitude of gratitude and remain mindful that I want to raise Samuel to be who he is now, in his purest childlike state - a boy who accepts hand-me-downs without shame, a boy whose pride doesn't overpower his character, and most of all a boy who still sees the world as an inherently good place.
Pitch, Pitch.... what am I clinging to?
In 1994 a movie was released titled, "The Air up There". Jimmy Dolan is a college basketball assistant-coach who wants to find a new star for his team since he believes this will get him a promotion to Head Coach at the school. He sees a home video of a prospect and travels to Africa to recruit him. Upon arriving to this continent, Dolan finds himself confronted not only with the challenges of basketball but also with the challenges of adjusting to and learning how to live in the midst of a brand-new culture. Perhaps the most inspring scene is when Jimmy is sent on a journey to climb to the top of a mountain and he is told he must leave something of significance behind. So he does, he pitches his championship ring in the air - sending it sailing off into the abyss.
Today begins a season of Lent and with such a season we are called to "rid" ourselves of some luxury, excess or personal desire. I think about this movie moment and wonder what it is I am clinging to and what it is I need to delete from my daily living in order to be more concientious and alert to what it means to have authentic gratitude.
I wonder if I've truly even experienced real, sincere gratitude. How could I? I'm surrounded by excess and commercialism that tells me to "live comfortably." At Christmas, I receive so many presents that the next day, I can't even tell you what I received. I throw away things that I no longer need and waste far more than should be acceptable. Have I? Have I ever experienced real gratitude?
I find myself growing impatient with this waiting period. I find myself in a mindset of "I deserve to hear something this week; afterall, I've waited so long." The truth is that I don't deserve anything, and nothing I can do, say or prove makes me any more worthy of Samuel. However, this feeling, this yearning may well be the first time I've ever experienced anything close to authentic gratitude.
There's a quote that has become my mantra "Nothing good can come into your life without a true sense of gratitude." This quote, this simple statement, petitions me to live more simply, to let go of excess, to rid myself of as much greed as possible - and instead to focus on those things for which I am truly grateful.
40 days... that's how long I have to find ways to personally fast and abstain from those habits which bind me to living from the outside in. For many, Lent symbolizes a time of quiet reverence in order to "hear" and "accept" a new perspective.
I ask myself, "What is it I would pitch over the side of the mountain?" I ask myself if I could truly bare to live without those things which I've deemed so 'essential' to my daily life? And I think about Samuel, what he goes without, the things he doesn't even know he should desire, and a part of me feels so humbled.
Recently we received updated photos of Samuel - in clothes much too large for his frame, tattered, worn. I found myself saddened for him, feeling sorry for him and his lack of 'adequate' (whatever that word means) clothing. But I realize, the person I should be feeling sorry for is myself - because these things are so important to me, because I am so consumed with personal appearance and doing what it takes to get ahead. It got me wondering just what our world would be like if we didn't know any better... if we just simply lived with what we could find, with what we could borrow and most of all, what we could share.
To be honest, I don't know what it is I will give up for this season of Lent. Perhaps instead I will "take on" a new attitude of gratitude and remain mindful that I want to raise Samuel to be who he is now, in his purest childlike state - a boy who accepts hand-me-downs without shame, a boy whose pride doesn't overpower his character, and most of all a boy who still sees the world as an inherently good place.
Pitch, Pitch.... what am I clinging to?
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Tag - I'm it??
Ok, so in the blogger world there is this game of tag and once you've been tagged you have to answer a lot of questions. Here it goes...
8 Things I'm passionate about:
1. Adoption
2. My family
3. Duke and Cameron (my dogs)
4. Education, Education, Education
5. Books and a good book club
6. Music
7. My guitar
8. Group Discussions and asking questions
8 Things I want to do before I die:
1. Sky dive
2. ATV excursion
3. Write a book
4. Learn to play the mandolin
5. Work in a school founded on principles of authentic education for all
6. Start a scholarship for future educators
7. Instill integrity and a sense of gratitude in Samuel
8. Parasail
Things I say often:
1. Fabulous
2. Dandy
3. You're a punk!
TV Shows I watch:
1. ReDesign with Kenneth Brown (he's fabulous!)
2. How clean is your house (makes me feel better about mine)
3. Color Splash
4. Deserving Design (Virn Yip is a genius!)
Ok so, I've run out of shows. I'm not a big TV fan....
Artists I love to listen to:
1) Norah Jones
2) John Mayer
3) Patty Griffin
4) Sting
5) Melissa Etheridge
6) Dixie Chicks
7) Dwight Yokum
8) Sister Hazel
Things that attract me to my friends:
1) Humor, Humor, Humor - preferably dry
2) Intelligence
3) Down to Earth
4) Creativity
5) One who is an advocate for something
6) Anyone who will read a book and is willing to discuss major points
7) Enjoys simplicity
8) One who is content in their own skin and has nothing to prove
Things I learned in 2007:
1) I do possess some patience! I've survived the adoption process.
2) Patty Griffin's, "Up to the Mountain" may truly be one of the most inspirational songs yet
3) The book Night will remain a coveted treasure to me
4) If you listen hard enough, there is a gentle nudging inside calling each of us to do something extraordinary - read #3 for inspiration
5) Getting a tattoo doesn't hurt at all! (Samuel - don't you get any ideas)
6) Martinis may be the most disgusting drink I've ever tasted - too bad they look so impressive in that fancy glass!
7) When you go back to a high school reunion you find that people really never change
8) The adoption community is by far one of the most encouraging, supportive and inspirational groups I've ever been a part of.
If I understand, I'm supposed to tag the next person?? Ok Debbie - it's your turn.
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